Last couple of months the universe showed me what being vulnerable really feels like. It was a tough ride. Heavy mood swings were part of my daily life. Physical and emotional pain raging through my body. My heart was bleeding heavily. It felt so much pain. Most of the time I didn’t understand were it came from. Why did I had to go through all of this shit? Why did I feel so much pain? What did I do wrong in order to deserve this?
These questions and many many more, were needed to be asked. Those questions came from my wounded ego that did not understand that it was wounded in the first place. My ego always tells me that everything is well. And yes, usually all is well. But now, with the intense rising of the energies on the planet, these feelings had to come up. My emotions wanted to be seen, my shadows wanted to be heard and my truth wanted to be felt. I knew I had to go through this period in my life in order to process all the heavy energies that I carried unknowingly with me for such a long time.
I had a lot of these purging processes in the past too. But this time it was different, because I had nowhere to hide. I had nothing to run to anymore. I gave up smoking, I gave up drinking alcohol and I gave up excessive partying. As a result, I am more sensitive to the energies inside myself en around me. The suffering felt very real, because I could not smoke it away. Smoking cigarettes numbed down my emotions. I could not drink and party my trouble away anymore. As a result I had to sit with myself. To feel my heart bleeding and healing it afterwards.
This time I have come to an understanding what it means to be vulnerable towards myself and towards others. For me vulnerability means the following;
It is the ability to admit that I don’t have control over anything, but myself.
It means for me that I don’t need to pretend to be someone anymore.
It is the ability to show myself as I am feeling at that particular moment and that I don’t have to be funny or interesting all of the time.
It means that I am good as I am.
To be vulnerable for me is understanding that in the end all human beings are vulnerable. Some people are just better in hiding it than others.
To be vulnerable for me is accepting that I am different and unique.
Vulnerability means for me that it is safe to trust the unseen. To trust that force that is working behind the scenes. Not only safe, but even necessary in order to move forward in life. Complete surrender is what vulnerability means to me.
It felt painful to stand naked in front of the universe. It felt strange to feel empty. As if suddenly I had nothing to offer anymore. It was painful to admit that I haven’t been always true to myself. And it was very painful to admit that I did not love myself enough. The intense energies got me down on my knees and forced me to become more humble. To become more present in the moment. I got another lesson in patience, while I was waiting for the weeks to pass.
I had to forgive myself many times in order for the energy to shift. Forgiveness was one of the tools that set me free, forgiveness healed me from the inside out. Total surrender and forgiveness were my medicine to stop my heart from crying out loud. Self love was the cure to keep the stitches together for proper healing.
Eventually I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. My body started to function normal again and my smile returned on my face. The universe had not abandoned me. It just wanted to show me where my weak spots were. The universe thought me a lesson to become more whole within myself, to become a stronger human being on my own. It thought me to drop my mask and to start expressing myself truly from the heart. Because maybe there is someone who finds strength in these words. Who can relate to my story and find comfort in it. In the end we are all vulnerable, some are masters in hiding it. And others master the art of dis-covering.