Today has been such a tough day for me.
From the moment I opened my eyes the following question hijacked my mind: What am I?
So many questions I asked myself during the last couple of years and so many answers came to me. I thought I was done searching and here I am again. I found a new question to seek answers for.
The “who am I question” was a question that arose from within me. The ‘‘what am I’’ question, is what others expect me to answer.
Clearly it isn’t enough for people when you just tell them: I am.
We are supposed to be something, according to society. To become something. To do something. When someone asks you what you are doing. He or she is not really interested to hear that you make beautiful paintings, because you love to paint. He or she is actually asking about your status in society. How much money do you earn. That is what the question actually means.
And yet, I discovered again today that: I Am.
Nothing more, nothing less. I am a soul having a human experience and I am living my life in my own truth.
Today I also discovered again that I know nothing for sure. That there is only one thing that we can be sure of and that is our own belief. That what we believe, is what shapes our reality.
So how do you know that your beliefs are the right ones to believe? Well, you simply don’t. It’s just a believe. Time and experience will tell what is right.
Then what is the fundament you can build on? What is it you can trust, if you know that you don’t know?
How can you build your life when you know that nothing is for sure? Well, it’s bloody hard! I can tell you that.
I had to surrender completely today. Peeling off all the layers of what I thought was true. Living with the knowledge that all is uncertain.
Then what is the purpose if nothing can be sure? Is there still a purpose to anything?
It was a tough inner battle between the part that wanted answers and the part who said that there are no definite answers.
I decided to ignore my mind for a while, although it was teasing me throughout the day. Yes, even when you are a long time on the journey of awakening, you still get tested. And a lot of times I forget certain methods I have learned to apply for myself. When the mind is clouded with doubt of fear, this is the result.
So suddenly I remembered that I had to stop all my mind chatter, while I was taking a long walk to calm down. From the core of my being the answer arose in silence. “There is only one truth and that is Love”. Love is the only truth we can build on. Love is the fundament of all true believes. When we align ourselves with love, we live our truth. This realisation made an end to the inner war. I constantly repeated in myself: I surrender myself. I am love. I surrender to love.
My heart started to fill itself again with a warm tingling glow. I knew I arrived home again.
Today, love has shown me that it will always win.